Welcome To The Hellmouth
Opened: August 8, 2008
Welcome to Emily The Vampire Slayer, my name is Emily (surprised?) & this is my personal webspace that is free for me to say as I like in. You don't agree with my ramblings? That's fine, leave. I'm not out to offend or upset anyone but, like most, I'm very opiniated... that can often get in the way of my desire to be friends with everyone I meet because I won't drop my beliefs for anyone. Why should I? But feel free to take a look around and comment my blogs. Any questions, issues or complaints can be addressed here.
Analytic Is Me
27.05.08
I have some serious problems with the way I feel. James Marsters, it would seem, is number one. But how do I feel about him? I seriously don't know... or, maybe, it's not that, maybe it's more that I can't really believe in how I feel for him. I want to say love of course but that to anyone would seem ridiculous - how can I love him? I don't even know him really, do I? But then part of me thinks: "Isn't that the beauty of it?" The fact that that doesn't matter. The fact that I am willing to love him unconditionally, regardless of so much, I'm so willing and even eager to change or give up anything that is me for him. That is something I swore I would never do for anyone, let alone some man I fell for, but I didn't realise things would be quite so out of my control.
My mum said something last night which made me think. When we argue, she often calls me selfish, and then I, obviously, deny that fact. Last night, however, after I denied it, she said: "Name someone you actually care about other than yourself." I smiled to myself and then she said: "Not counting James Marsters." I laughed at the fact and later on we made a joke of the comment, but the thing was, he was actually the first person who sprang to mind. Of course, I care about other people but, how strange that he should be my first thought when someone questions who I care about. It's so weird. I know I really like him and I really care about him. But, do I love him? Can I possibly love him?
Whilst still in the heat of the argument I actually said to my Mum: "What did you mean by saying James Marsters, I don't care about him that way, it's just a crush, isn't it?" My voice stammered over these words that I didn't even believe, and she said: "I honestly don't know what it is." That's kinda how I feel, except I sort of think I love him, it's just that seems completely silly, he's an actor, I fell in love with Spike, like so many others did. Do they feel like this? I don't see how they can - it's haunting me! I know so much about obssessions and such but, hell, I simply don't believe those people can feel like I do, if they did, they would be so much more... uncool, I guess. They would stammer and shake and just do all that loser crap, that's just what it makes you do. And now, it's become so much more than a crush on Spike. I really REALLY like James, he's my first thought when I wake up and my last at night, my every thought is somehow centred around him. What is love anyway? This? I don't see what more love can be... I'd do anything for him, I want him in every imaginable way. I find him, well, amazing. I can't help it. He gives me butterflies and makes my heart dance in my chest, just thinking about him turns me on... haha, I'm pretty much constantly horny, then.
I need to get away from James Marsters for a second, it's hard when I have a choice of being upstairs with the Internet, on which he features in every site, blog and profile I have, or being downstairs where they're watching PS I Love You. There's no escape and, God, I think to myself: "Like you really want to." And, no I don't. Tomorrow, however, there will be a minor destraction, I'm going bowling, to the cinema to see Sex And The City and Gareth is bringing me some money over that he owes me. And then on Thursday, Sliz is coming over, so we'll have a laugh and maybe go out for a drink at night. Also, Supernatural is back on and Gossip Girl follows on from it, I love those programs and I can't wait to see the insanely cute Jensen Ackles again. Arrive Derci.